


After These Messages

by GokuGirl



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, Gundam Wing, Ranma 1/2, Seihou Bukyou Outlaw Star | Outlaw Star, 天地無用! | Tenchi Muyo!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Out of Character, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-03-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 09:24:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4386482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of commercial parodies featuring many different anime (but mostly Dragon Ball and Gundam Wing).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story isn't backdating correctly. I actually finished it Mar. 20, 2000.

We'll be back to this episode of Dragon Ball Z after these messages.... 

Riccola 

(Vegeta is standing on a grassy hill in the middle of no where, breathing in the air....) Riiicoolllla! Riiiicccollllaa! Hi! If you have a major sore throat like I have then you need these great sore throat..... (whispering) Hey, what do you call these things again? (from off-set) Cough drops! You dummy! (back to Vegeta) Oh yeah! What a minute?! What did you call me? Nobody talks to Vegeta, the prince of the Saiyans that way! I'm going to hurt you so bad, yo mama won't recognize you! (he runs off set and the camera picture goes sideways. A voice is heard..) Um, we'll be back after we get rid of these technical difficulties! (Vegeta: ) Not on your life! 

* * *

Rogaine 

(Krillin's standing on a crowded beach surrounded by girls in bikinis) Hi. Rogaine is the best! You see what it got me? I used to be a short, no-nosed, dateless, bald guy. Now I'm a short, no-nosed guy with hair and lots of pretty women! You gotta love this stuff! (18 appears on the scene looking very pissed.) Krillin! What do you think your doing?! (Krillin takes off running) Well, it worked for a while! Bald guys listen up, ONLY USE THIS IF YOUR SINGLE!!! AHHHHHHH! 

* * *

Anger Management Book 

(ChiChi appears looking calm and nice sitting in a very comfortable looking chair.) Hey, do you yell way too much? Do you scare people away with just one look? Do weapons seem to always be in your hand or materialize out of thin air? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may have an anger problem. If you do, then my book can help. Look at these happy customers!! 

(Gohan appears with an arm in a sling and a bandage around his head) My mom used to be so mean. She yelled and yelled and yelled. So I bought her this book for Christmas. Now look, I'm the happiest boy on Earth!! (he flashes an obviously fake smile) (ChiChi: ) Gohan smile bigger! NOW! (Gohan starts shaking) Y-Y-Y-E-S Mom! This book works wonders! 

(Trunks comes onto camera. He's in a hospital room and his whole body is covered in white gauze) My dad used to abuse me. I bought him the book and..... WHO AM I KIDDING? THE DAMN BOOK MADE HIM WORSE! (Vegeta appears) AHHHH! I'm sorry Dad! I'll never say anything like that again! AHHHHH! (The camera goes back to ChiChi.) Now look at all those happy people! (big smile) Please buy my book! 

* * *

MasterCard 

1-900-55-GIRLS - - - $500 

GROUP THERAPY - - - $1000 

SUPER HOLD GEL- - - $450 

MEMORIES WE ALL SHARE - - - priceless 

Some things money can't buy, for everything else.... There's MasterCard 

* * *

Herbal Essence 

(Weird sounds heard from shower) Oooh, ooooh, YES! YES! YES! 

(Yamcha appears in a towel looking rather happy.) 

This stuff is great!! Maybe I can finally get Bulma back. 

(He goes to her house and she slams the door in his face hitting his nose) 

Maybe not.... 

* * *

Hooked on Phonics (A voice is heard while the tv is displaying random images of kids in school...) (In Forrest Gumps' voice) I love hooked on phonics. It worked wonders. I've never felt so smart! If it can work for me, it can work for you. Call: 1-800-ABCDEFG 

(Vegeta appears. He does that a lot doesn't he?) Whatever Kakarott! If this stuff could have worked for you, it's a miracle! 

Goku: I'm smarter than you Vegeta! 

Vegeta: Oh yeah? Prove it! What's 1+1? 

Goku: Uh, 11! 

Vegeta: See what I mean! 

Goku: Anyway, (flashes a thumbs up sign) Hooked on phonics worked for me! 

Vegeta: SHUT UP, KAKAROTT! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> { } = author inserts

**Trunks: Man of Action**

~~~

Trunks walking down the street and a mob of teenyboppers are stalking him.

TB (teenybopper) #1: (singing {think Shaft}) Who is the man who loves to spar as much as he can?

TB's #2-8: Trunks!

TB #1: You're damn right! Who's the boy who's really fine and I'll love to make him mine?

TB's #2-8: Trunks!

TB #1: Right on! Trunks, you one bad motha--

TB's #2-8: Shut your mouth!

TB #1: I'm just talkin' about Trunks!

TB's 2-8: We can dig it.

They show some random action scenes and then the title screen comes on.

Trunks: Man of Action

Rated: R

In theatres: never

* * *

**Prince Vegeta's Herbal Cure-all**

~~~

Vegeta is sitting behind a desk with his feet propped up on it. He has some bottle in front of him.

Vegeta: Hi, do you suffer from allergies, sinus headaches, or frequent colds? Do you ever get sick? Well if you do, I have the product for you. It's called Prince Vegeta's Herbal Cure-all. Made with real ginseng. You'll feel better in no time! Only 200 zenni. Call: 1-800-CURE-ALL, that's 1-800-CURE-ALL.

(A womans voice comes on a speaks really fast)

Side Effects may include dizziness, nausea, chronic diarrhea, muscle spams, head ache, internal bleeding, heart failure, and/or death. No refunds and batteries aren't included.

* * *

**Piccolo and Friends**

~~~

Piccolo is standing in a sunny field surrounded by children. They open their mouths...

Piccolo: Kami no! Oh kami no!

Kids: I love Piccolo, Piccolo loves me. We're as happy as happy can be. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Piccolo, please say you love me too.

Piccolo moans in pain and covers his ears. The singing gets louder and louder until he can't stand it anymore. He charges up a ki blast and ends those children's lives. The camera man looks over.

Camera man: Well, scratch this idea. Tom, call the Teletubbies.

Piccolo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

**1-800-HOT CHAT**

~~~

Bulma sits on a couch in the skimpiest clothes you can find and still call her covered up. She has on  _way_  too much makeup and she's holding a phone.

Bulma: (in sexy voice) Do you ever get lonely? Do you ever need someone to talk to? Well, I'm here for you. Just call 1-800-HOT-CHAT and I will fulfill all of your needs. (blows kiss at camera)

(Suddenly you can hear a phone ring)

Bulma: What's this? This isn't a call in show!

Man off stage: Just answer. It's good for publicity.

Bulma: Oh all right. Caller, you're on the air.

familiar voice: Hi! I was wondering if you could....TAKE IT OFF BABY! TAKE IT OFF!

Bulma: (gasping) Master Roshi?!

M. Roshi: Come on Bulma, take it off!

(there's a dial tone)

Bulma: Ugh. Next caller.

?: Uh Moshi Moshi.

Bulma: Yes?

?: I just wanna talk, I'm lonely.

Bulma: Wait a second, do I know you?

?: (panicking) No! NO YOU DON"T!

Bulma: (gasping again) Dende? Is that you?!

(click)

Bulma: (sighing) Last caller.

?: Moshi Moshi? Who's this?

Bulma: Bulma. Who are you?

?: Oh, hi! How are you today Bulma?

Bulma: Good. Wait, Son-kun?!

Goku: Oops. Wrong number.

(click)

Bulma: That's it. I quit!

* * *

**Sprite**

~~~

Scene opens at a Martial Arts tournement. Goku is there as is Vegeta, Piccolo, Gohan, Trunks, Goten, and Krillin.

Announcer: Do you want to be as strong as Son Gokou? (scenes show Goku and him being, uh, strong) Do you want to be as smart as Son Gohan? (shows scenes of Gohan in school and being generally successful) Do you want to be as tall as Piccolo? (you get the point by now) Do you want to be as loud-mouthed as Trunks or as slow as Goten? Or do you want to be as egotistical as Vegeta? (more scenes of the people i've mentioned)

(scene goes back to the tournament)

Whoever you want to be, Sprite can't make you like them. Drink Sprite, Quench your thirst.

{Sad, I know}


	3. Chapter 3

**Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (DBZ)**

(Piccolo stands on a hill, cape blowing in the wind.)

Announcer: How does martial artist, Piccolo Diamao, eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?

(Piccolo holds a cup in front of him then he uses his eye lasers to put a pinpoint hole through it. When he's finished he throws it on the ground.)

Piccolo: I can't eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, bakayaro. I'm a Namek, remember?

Announcer: There's no wrong way...(Piccolo goes off camera and the sound of a fight is heard.)

Announcer: (weakly) to eat a Reeses.

* * *

**Saiyan Princess Barbie (DBZ)**

And I know it doesn't rhyme. I couldn't remember any Barbie commercials.

(music) She's Saiyan Princess Barbie!

(Pan, Bra, & Vegeta are in Bra's room giggling and playing)

(music) With really long hair that you can brush...

(Vegeta brushes out and braids a Mexican Saiyan Princess Barbie's hair)

(music) She's the doll made just for you!

(The trio are playing "pretend". They look like they're at a party.)

(music) She comes with a Saiyan Prince!

(Trunks comes in with a Trunks or Saiyan Prince Ken doll. He also gets down onto the floor and begins to play as well. They all giggle and continue to play.)

(music) Lots of accessories!

(Pictures show a black convertable, a mini-gravity chamber, a camper, a mini-rejuvinator, and a mini-50 course dinner.)

(music) You too will have so much fun with Saiyan Princess Barbie and Saiyan Princess Ken!

Trunks+Pan+Bra+Vegeta: (turning towards camera and saying in unison) With Barbie anything's possible!

(They move to a white screen with all the aformentioned products including an Asian barbie and a African American barbie)

Announcer Lady: All Barbies, Kens, and accessories are sold sperately. Princes may vary & batteries aren't included.

* * *

**Relena Repellent (GW)**

Apologies to Relena fans in advance.

(Heero Yuy is walking in downtown Tokyo. Duo Maxwell is, er, bouncing and dragging Heero along.)

Duo: It's such a nice day! I don't think even Miss Bit--er Queen-of-the-World Relena could ruin it now!

(Heero's eyes uncharacteristically widens and he slaps his hand over Duo's mouth)

Heero: Don't say that word!

Duo: (muffled) What Relena? Relax, we won't see her today.

(as if on cue...)

Voice: HEEEE~ROOOO! WHERE ARE YOU HEEEE~ROOOO?!

Heero: Dammit Duo! I told you not to say it! RUN! (he grabs Duo's arms and they take off through the thick crowd)

Announcer: Are you tired of hoping Relena Peacecraft doesn't find you?

Heero: (glaring) What do you think bakayaro?

Announcer: Are you tired of running from her?

(Duo is barely keeping up with Heero who is practically dragging him and looking behind at the same time)

Duo: Yes! I'm a normal human unlike some people! (shoots Heero a glare, he gets the "Look" in return)

Announcer: Well how about this then? (a spray can pops out of thin air and falls into Duo's hands)

Duo: What's this?

Heero: Duo no baka! It could be a bomb sent by OZ to destroy us!

Duo: I don't think so. Why would an OZ bomb have a picture of a dead Relena on it and the words 'Relena Repellent'? I have an idea! (he forcefully removes his arm from Heero's grasp and turns around. When he sees Relena he sprays her and she passes out) This is good stuff! Come on, let's go! (they take off running in the other direction)

Heero: Next time, let me spray her.

(Screen changes to a picture of the can)

Announcer: If you are being bothered by Relena, have no fear because.... RELENA REPELLENT IS HERE!!

* * *

**Tickle Me ChiChi (DBZ)**

Announcement: Hi kids! Do you want your very own Tickle Me ChiChi doll by the Concerned Parents group? {if it was me, I'd say no right then. If it's by parents, it can't be good. LOL}

Kids: YEAH!

(The kids all suddenly have ChiChi dolls about 12 inches in height. Goten pushes her stomach)

ChiChi Doll: HA HA HA, HA HA HA, Eat your vegetables!

Goten: What?

(Marron pushes her stomach)

C.D.: HA HA HA, HA HA HA, Study hard!

Marron: Huh?

(Trunks has a doll and pushes her stomach)

C.D.: HA HA HA, HA HA HA, Goku, come home for dinner!

Trunks: This is the crappiest toy ever! (he throws his into the air and launches a ki blast at it. Goten grabs his and Marrons and does the same thing.)

Marron: (crying) But I liked it!

(Trunks & Goten are shocked)

Trunks: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that...

* * *

**Heero Yuy's Spandex Emporium (GW)**

Heero: (is wearing a cowboy hat and a spandex body suit and is talking in traditional monotone) Do you work out a lot? Do you like tight clothes? Do you like showing off your body? Or do you just like wearing spandex in all seasons like me? For any reason, come on down to Heero Yuy's Spandex Emprium! We have spandex in all shapes, sizes, colors, and forms. We even have spandex stuff for things you never even new existed. So come on down and try our new Extra-Strength Gundanium Spandex underwear. So bullet resistant, the South Central L.A. police force uses them {gasp!}.

(there is a loud commotion and a lot of people are lined up at the front glass doors. Heero walks over and begins to shout:)

Heero: What have I told you people? Can't you read the sign? It says no "Big-boned" people, no "Large" people, no "Healthy" people, no "Husky" people, no "FAT" people! I swear, you people flock to spandex like interns to Clinton! {sorry, couldn't resist! ^_^) Shoo, Shoo! (makes shooing motions)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **GW Note:** Are you a Relena fan? Then it's not really a good idea for you to read the GW ones. Not shounen ai (boy love), but take it as you will. Though I have no problem whatsoever with the concept. To each his own.

**The Big Book of Bra's Tricks  
(Dragon Ball Z)**

(We see Chibi Bra sitting on a wooden stool in front of a sign that reads, 'The Big Book of Bra's Tricks'. She holds a rather thick book in her hands as she faces full front.)

Bra: Hello! Kids, are you sick and tired of parents bossing you around? Would you like to get revenge? Then this book is for you! It includes such parent-torture as #29-a[1], constantly mention that your parent is weaker than someone else. Or how about 65-b; a classic. The old tantrum in a public place trick. It always works wonders. Or better yet, how about trick number 10; hiding the asprin and then get them to do whatever you want so they can have it back. Those are just some of the many, many wonderful things to be found in this book of mine. But oh! The possibilities are limitless! It's only 99.99 zenni so call 1-800-TORTURE. That's right folks, 1-800-TORTURE. Cash, checks, money orders, and all major credit cards accepted. (She grins widely and waves) Ja ne!

***

[1] All three tricks are first mentioned in my DBZ story, Wild Saiyan Kingdom (the Bra part). The first two are actually performed.

* * *

**York Peppermint Patties**  
**(Dragon Ball Z)**

Announcer: (holding a mike in Piccolo's face) Piccolo-san, would you kiss Vegeta for a York Peppermint Patty?

Piccolo: HELL NO! I'm a Namek anyway, bakayaro, I can't eat peppermint patties!

Announcer: (this time it's in Bra's face) Bra-chan, would you clean your brothers room for a York Peppermint Patty?

Bra: Excuse me sir, but have you seen niichans room lately? (the man shook his head no) I thought so. A starving man wouldn't do it.

Announcer: (it's Gokus turn) Son Goku, would you give up fighting for a York Peppermint Patty?

Goku: (mouth drops open) Just one?! (announcer nods) NO WAY! I can't eat just one!

Vegeta's voice: (from a distance) Baka! That's chips!

Goku: (blank look) Really? Then I've been doing it wrong all of these years?

Vegeta's voice: Idiot.

Announcer: (it's now Veggie-chans turn) Vegeta-ouji, would you become Goku's best-friend for a York Peppermint Patty?

(Vegeta looks at the patty, then at Goku, then at the patty, then at Goku again. Finally he made up his mind. He snatched the patty, ki blasted the man, and flew off.)

Goku: (flying after him) Vegeta! What did you do that for?!

Vegeta: (innocently) What? He didn't say I couldn't.

* * *

**Duo Maxwell, Attorney at Law  
(Gundam Wing)**

(Duo is sitting behind a desk, in a dark gray suit, leaning back in his chair with his feet on the table.)

Duo: Hey everybody! Shinigami here. Do you need legal representation? Well, I'm the man for you! Just look at all these happy customers!

(Cut to Quatre)

Quatre: When my gundam exploded before I even hit self-destruct, I was badly injured. Duo Maxwell helped me to get the care I needed and he also helped to sue Mr. H. Now I'm even richer than before! (he grins widely)

(Back to Duo)

Duo: You see? I'm good! I can even help you with those 'next to impossible' cases.

(Cut to Heero)

Heero: This pest, Relena Peacecraft, just wouldn't leave me alone! I had got a restraining order, but she thought just because she was the "Queen of the World" and that she had power, it didn't really apply to her. That was before the fatal gunshot wound. Duo Maxwell got me off scott free and now the Peacecrafts owe _me_ money! Thanks Duo!

(Back to Duo)

Duo: I am the best! So for all your legal needs call 1-800-Sexy-Duo. That's 1-800-7399-386. You're guaranteed to win, or your non-refundable deposite fee back.

* * *

**My Three Saiyans**  
**(Dragon Ball Z)**

(Goku, Gohan, & Vegeta make up the group.)

Announcer: Now, for a one time only offer of 19.95 zenni, you can own the classic debut album, _My Three Saiyans_! It features songs such as:  
1\. Ki, Ki, Blast Me Away  
2\. Villians Just Don't Know When to Quit  
3\. Broken Bones  
4\. Pride of the Saiyan

And much, much more!

And if you order within 30 seconds, you can get this bonus cd, _A Very Merry Super Saiyan Christmas_ absoulutely free!  
This cd has songs such as:  
1\. Deck the Baka with my Fist  
2\. Jingle Ki  
3\. Little Nerdy Boy  
4\. Joy to the World, Kakarotto's Dead

And this one has 10 more!

So don't miss out on the deal of a life time! Call 1-800-BAKA-NOW, that's 1-800-BAKA-NOW. Cash, checks, money orders, and Capsule Corp. Express are accepted.

* * *

**Relena-B-Gone**  
**(Gundam Wing)**

(Not to be confused with Relena Repellent because it's nothing like it.)

(Heero was working on ZERO in the hangar when he heard that familair voice shrieking for him.)

"HEEEEEROOOOO~OOOOOO! WHERE ARE YOOOOOU HEEEEEEROOOOOO~OOOOO?"

(Heero winced but he didn't run. Not this time. He was prepared. So he went back to work on his gundam, waiting patiently for the Peacecraft girl.)

Relena: (looking all around) Heero?! Are you in here?! (she found him in ZERO's cockpit) There you are silly! Are you hiding from me? (she giggles at something only she thinks is funny.)

Heero: (jumping down and walking right over to her) Konichi-wa Relena-sama.

Relena: (giggling) Oh Heero-koi, you are so funny!

Heero: (rolling his eyes and stopping five feet from her) I would stay right there if I were you.

Relena: (confused) Why? (she moves a step closer to the object of her obsession)

Heero: (staying put) I'm warning you!

Relena: (grinning, thinking it's some kind of weird game, she ran all the way up to him and proceeded to glomp him) Got ya!

(Then sirens started to go off and lights began to flash. "WARNING! YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO THE BISHOUNEN! BACK AWAY FROM THE BISHOUNEN!")

Relena: (looking at Heero's face and blinking) Nani?

Mechanical voice: I REPEAT, BACK AWAY FROM THE BISHOUNEN! THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!

(Then the cops came along with the men in the white coats.)

Cop: Yuy-san, which one of us do you need?

(Heero pretended to think it over.)

Heero: (pointing) I think you're suitable.

Relena: (being dragged away) Heero! Why? WHY?!

Heero: (turning to the cops) I won't need you again. I don't think she'll escape from the funny farm.

(Then a logo comes up onto the screen. It was a picture of Relena with a red diagonal slash and a circle over it.)

Announcer: Relena-B-Gone. It works, so you don't have to go and commit suicide.

Heero: The alarm on my person was my idea, what it was programmed to say, however, was Duo's. {He thought it would be funny.}

* * *

Japanese Terms to know:

Koi (short for koibito): lover  
Bishounen: beautiful male  
Shinigami: God of Death  
Nani: What  
Baka: Idiot  
Ki: life energy  
Chibi: little  
Chan: suffix meaning dear  
Ouji: suffix meaning prince  
Sama: suffix for respect  
San: suffix meaning Mr./Mrs.  
Bakayaro: big idiot  
Niichan: brother


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ ] = my personal comments.
> 
> I've got two new anime in this one! It's not just Gundam Wing and Dragon Ball anymore.

**Commercial #1: Saiyan Psychic Hotline  
(Dragon Ball)**

(A voice that is supposed to be soothing speaks.)

Announcer: "Do you want to know about your future? Do you want to know what's going on in the present behind your back? Then the Saiyan Psychic Hotline is for you! We employ only the finest psychics the world has the offer because we don't want to give you fake information."

A short figure sits on a deep purple cushion with a phone headset. He occasionally makes grunting sounds as an indication that he's even listening at all. Every so often the fluffy white towel wrapped around his head slips off slightly and he snaps his fingers for another person to put it back on correctly.

Vegeta: "Ah yes. I see."

(Another finger snap. Trunks moves from behind the scenes, frowning, trying to fix the towel. Finally he shrugs, grabs some diaper pins (in cute little duck heads), and attaches them to the towel. Snickering he moves away.)

Woman on phone: "I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I want to know if he is for sure."

(Vegeta rises, clad in only a white bed sheet wrapped around his body to hide the embarrassing bits. He brings both index fingers to his temples and began to massage.)

Vegeta: "I'm getting a vision. Your boyfriend, he is fat yes?"

Woman on phone: "Fat NO! Are you a fake?"

Vegeta: "NO I'M NOT! I'M THE REAL DEAL ONNA! (then he calms down) Hmmm. He is your child's father, yes?"

Woman on phone: "You idiot! I don't even have children!"

Vegeta: (eyes narrowing) "Are you saying I'm wrong?"

Woman on phone: "Of course I am! Why wouldn't I? Your information is completely incorrect!"

Vegeta: (about to scream at her again) "WELL I--" (he gets an idea) "Can you give me your address? For payment purposes."

Woman on phone: "I thought my first five minutes were free!"

Vegeta: (laughing loudly) "And you believed us?"

Woman on phone: (grumbling) "Fine. Now, are you gonna get someone else on the phone?"

Vegeta: (smirking) "Oh yes. Right away. KAKAROTT!"

Goku: "Huh?"

Vegeta: "The onna would like to speak to you."

(Vegeta passed him the phone and flew through the ceiling, making a large hole.)

Vegeta: (screaming) "Onna! You're gonna die!"

Goku: "Uh oh. Uh lady? I think you should leave your house."

Woman on phone: "Why?"

(Then there is a loud explosion followed by a shrill scream.)

Goku: (sighing) "Because of that.... VEGETA! That was the seventh person you've killed this week!"

(Trunks then comes in front of the camera and holds up a sign that says: "The Saiyan Psychic Hotline is having a little, er, saiyan difficulty. We will be with you shortly.")

[Not as funny as I wanted it to be but oh well.]

* * *

**Commercial #2: Gundam Crunchies  
(Gundam Wing)**

(Duo sits at a kitchen table examining a bowl of cereal.)

Duo: "Heero? Do you want some?" (He pushes the box toward him.)

Heero: "No baka."

(Duo sticks out his tongue and pulls down his right eye lid.)

Duo: "Anyway, I love Gundam Crunchies! The cereal with little gundams and OZ mobile suits in it!"

(Quatre comes into the room.)

Quatre: "What are you eating Duo-chan?"

(Duo frowns.)

Duo: "I told you guys, Gundam Crunchies. Ya want some?"

Quatre: (making large chibi eyes) "Can I get some Sandrocks? Please?"

Duo: (pouring and then looking at cereal in the bowl) "You know what? It's mostly got Wing ZEROs!"

Quatre: "Really?"

(They both turned to Heero.)

Duo: "Your stupid Gundam is hogging all the space!"

(Wufei and Trowa enter the kitchen. Now all five are seated at the table, arguing over the cereal.)

Trowa: "What about Heavyarms?"

(They (excluding Heero) give him a weird look.)

Duo: "Your crappy Gundam can't even keep enough ammo! That's why it's only like three in the box!"

Trowa: "..."

Wufei: (proudly) "It's obvious that Nataku is the best Gundam."

Duo: (snorting) "Yeah whatever Wufei. Deathscythe Hell *is* the best Gundam! Not Trowa's crappy Heavyarms, not the embodiment of Wufei's dead wife, not Quatre's wussy Sandrock, not even Heero's freaky Gundam with the ZERO system. And you want to know why?"

Quatre: (sniffing with a big tear trailing down his face) "Why?"

Duo: "Because Shinigami says so!"

Heero: (in a warning tone) "Duo."

Duo: "Hai?"

Heero: "Shut up."

Announcer: So eat Gundam Crunchies and you too can be a pilot!

* * *

**Commercial #3: Story Time with Mr. Wu  
(Gundam Wing)**

Announcer: "Hey kids! Learning Inc. has a brand new show for you! It's exciting! It's funny! It's great! It's..."

(HUGE letter flash across the screen)

Announcer: "Story Time with Mr. Wu!"

(A dark blue plush couch comes into view and Wufei is sitting with two kids on each side. There is a rug on the floor loaded with more kids. They're giving him looks of adoration and Wufei's smile is forced.)

(Then the kids began to sing.)

Kids: "I love Wu! Wu loves me! We're a happy family!"

(Wufei's eyes widen and he clamps his hands over his ears.)

Wufei: "NOOO! I can't take any more singing! Stop the singing!"

Kids: (continuing like they never heard him) "With a kiss and a hug and a smile from me to you!"

Wufei: "STOP!"

Kids: "Won't you say you love Wu too?"

(Then they shut up all at the same time and stare at Wufei. Wufei blinks and then looks around.)

Wufei: You're finished?

(No response.)

Wufei: (rolling his eyes) Well, I might as well get started." (he reaches toward a pile of books at his feet and picks one up) "What would you brats like to hear today?"

(Still no answer. It was so quiet, you could hear crickets chirping or a pin drop.)

Wufei: "Whatever." (he holds the book up to the cameras) "Today you're going to hear one of my favorites, The Art of War! Isn't that great?!"

(Finally the kids react. They all start to talk at once.)

Kid #1: "Mr. Wu! I want to hear Green Eggs and Ham!"

Kid #2: "No! I want to hear The Little Engine that Could!"

Wufei: (snorting) "Why? Those are children's books! If you want to learn something that actually might help you in the future, you need to hear my books." (he picks up another) "How about 100 Different Ways of Torture?"

(A small boy snatches the book from his hand and throws it across the room. All of the kids cheer.)

Kid #3: "I wanna hear The Cat in the Hat!"

Kid #4: "But I wanna hear Alice in Wonderland!"

(All of the kids began to nod in agreement at her suggestion.)

Kids: (chanting) "WE WANT ALICE! WE WANT ALICE!"

Wufei: (giving in) "Okay, okay. Let me see if I have it." (He begins to look through the stack of books and one in particular catches his attention. Suddenly blood spurts from his nose.) "Kama Sutra?! What the hell is this book doing here?!"

Announcer: (trying to cover that last bit) "Now kiddies, watch Story Time With Mr. Wu only on PBS!"

* * *

**Commercial #4: Girl-Away Cologne  
(Tenchi Muyo!)**

(Tenchi runs down the hall and then locks himself into a closet. Ayeka and Ryoko are close behind him, each trying to get his attention.)

Ayeka: "Lord Tenchi! Where have you gone?"

Ryoko: "Tenchi my love! Come here and give Ryoko a great big kiss!"

(Both girls stop in their tracks and glare at each other.)

Ayeka: (growling) "He's mine Demon Woman!"

Ryoko: (smirking) "I don't think so princess. Why don't you go somewhere and play with Mihoshi?"

(There is the sound from the closet and both turn towards the door.)

Ayeka & Ryoko: (whispering in unison) In there! (Ryoko powers up and blasts the lock. Then she rams the door with her shoulder, effectively opening it. Tenchi is on his knees underneath a lot of coats, praying. He looks up and gasps."

Ryoko: (squealing) TENCHI!

(Tenchi yells and ducks between her legs, around Ayeka, and into the living room.)

Tenchi: (voiceover) "Do you have this problem? Do you have women chasing you or women who won't leave you alone no matter what you do?"

(Then Washuu comes from her basement lab and steps in front of Tenchi.)

Washuu: (grinning) "How's my little guinea pig today? Hmm? There's this little experiment that I need you to test and..."

(Ryo-Oh-Ki runs into the room straight for Tenchi with a carrot in her mouth. Sasami is chasing her and shouting.)

Sasami: "That was very bad Ryo-Oh-Ki! Stealing food like that!"

(Tenchi groans, darts around Washuu, and runs from the house.)

Tenchi: (voiceover) "Do weird little animals called cabbits fall into the category too?"

(The scene freezes and changes to one of Tenchi sitting in a chair with his hands folded.)

Tenchi: "If it does, then you need Girl-Away Cologne. This stuff works great! Now they all leave me alone!"

(The scene changes to one of all of the girls avoiding Tenchi like the plague and holding their noses. Yosho and Nobuyuki enter the room and quickly cover their noses.)

Nobuyuki: "Ugh Tenchi! What died in here?"

Yosho: "Tenchi, if you wanted to keep the ladies away, you could have just moved."

Tenchi: (sniffing with clothespin on his nose) "I don't smell anything."

Announcer: So everyone who has an excessive girl problem, call 1-800-GET-AWAY now!

* * *

**Commercial #5: Instant Nannichaun  
(Ranma 1/2)**

Shampoo: "Nihao! This Shampoo. If you born boy but have girl-type then this stuff for you!" (she holds up a small packet) "This Instant Nannichaun! Add only water and hop in."

(Ranma (in girl form) wanders by where Shampoo is standing in front of the Tendo Dojo and she grabs her arm.)

Ranma-chan: (blinking) "What are ya doin'? Let me go!"

(Shampoo uses her great Amazon strength and drags Ranma-chan all the way to the Neko Hanten.)

Shampoo: (once they were in the bathroom) "Jump in water, Ranma."

Ranma-chan: (suspiciously) "Why? Why should I? What are you up to Shampoo?"

Shampoo: (holding up the packet and looking innocent) Shampoo only want best for Ranma." (she begins to pout) "You no trust Shampoo?"

Ranma-chan: (shaking head) "Of course not! You get me in more trouble-"

(Shampoo hurries, pours in the white powder in the hot water and pushes Ranma in. His head pops up immediately and he spits out water.)

Ranma-kun: "Shampoo..."

Shampoo: (smiling) "That Instant Nannichaun Ranma! You now boy!"

(Ranma grins and hugs Shampoo hard.)

Ranma-kun: "I have my manhood back! Whoo hoo!" (He hugs her again and skips out of the bathroom.)

Shampoo: (whispering into the camera) "Instant Nannichaun. Effect lasts only till rainfall."

(Thunder booms and lightning flashes outside. Ranma trudges into the angry and clearly female.)

Ranma: (screaming) "YOU LIAR!"

Shampoo: Shampoo no say it was permanent.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fandoms in this one include Dragon Ball (as if I wasn't going to use it), Gundam Wing, Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo!, Outlaw Star, and more!

**1-800-CALL-ATT (Dragon Ball)**

(A pretty blond woman walks to a payphone on the corner of a busy street. She puts in the correct change and begins to press zero...)

Voice: Hold it right there!

(The woman turns around and sees no one.)

Woman: I must be loosing it.

Voice: Hey! Up here!

Woman: (looking and blinking in confusion) Did some kid leave their troll doll up here on top of the phone?

Vegeta: (glaring at her) I'm not nearly ugly enough to be a troll. Listen onna, don't you dare push zero to call collect.

Woman: And why not?

Vegeta: Dialing 1-800-CALL-ATT will save you a buck or two. Try it. Just dial right down the center.

Woman: (shrugging and following his directions) Arigatou! With the money I saved I can get something to eat. You wanna come?

(Vegeta nods his head and suddenly an identically tiny Bulma pops into existence and grabs Vegeta by the ear.)

Bulma: Oh no you don't!

Vegeta: (smiling with fake sweetness) I was just kidding honey bun.

(They disappear and words appear onto the screen.)

**1-800-CALL-ATT: Save a buck or two.**

 

* * *

**Preparation H (Gundam Wing)**

(A man walks into a fast food restaurant and goes up to the counter. He looks up at the signs for a moment and then beging to order.)

Duo: (smiling) Can I help you sir?

Man: I want a bacon double cheese burger with no lettuce, large fries, and a large chocolate shake.

(Duo is squirming constantly as he gets the man's food. First he gets his shake and scoops his fries into their paper container. Then he began to make his burger. After a while his squirming gets so bad that he stops what he's doing to scratch his butt. Then he puts the on top bun with the very same hand that was just scratching his behind, puts the paper around the burger, and puts it into the bag with the customer's fries. The man who had just ordered looked at him in horror since you can see everything that goes on behind the counter.)

Man: What did you just do?!

Duo: (confused) What do ya mean?

Man: (disgusted) You just scratched your prosterior before you touched my food!

Duo: Well, hai. But it's because it's been killin' me lately. I have no idea what's wrong. If it isn't itching, it's burning.

Man: Can I speak to your manager? Where is your manager?

Manager: Sir? What's wrong?

Man: You're employee here touched his prosterior and then touched my food. He isn't even wearing gloves!

Manager: Duo, what have I told you about scratching your ass during working hours?

Duo: (thoroughly embarrassed) Sir, I swear I wasn't doing it! Who are you going to believe? Your faithful employee of three years or a stranger?

Manager: Well...

(Duo begins to squirm again and he tries to ignore it. Finally he can't take it anymore and scratches frantically.)

Manager: (just as disgusted as the customer) Duo! You're fired!

Announcer: You should have used Preparation H. Rated number one by all Fast Food Restaurant employees!

 

* * *

 

**Minute Maid (Ranma 1/2)**

Genma: Morning everyone! (He walked into the dining room in an apron and smiled hugely. Everyone just looked at him listlessly. Even Kasumi.)

Ranma: Hi Pop.

Kasumi: Good morning Saotome-san.

(Genma smiled again and left the room. Then he returned with a huge pot of rice.)

Akane: What's that?

Nabiki: It's rice Akane. Or don't you remember? (Her sister glares at her.)

Genma: I've cooked breakfast, Akane. I thought that I should do something nice for everyone since Ranma and I have been staying here for quite some time. (he left again and returned with a few more dishes)

Ranma: (calling to him) Pop? Are you feeling okay?

Genma: (returning again this time with a feather duster) Perfectly fine! Now, I have to get started on the cleaning.

Kasumi: That's so nice of you Saotome-san!

Happosai: (while eating) I think he's up to something. (Both Ranma and Akane hit him for that comment.)

Ranma: (finishing his breakfast in a hurry) Whatever's going on, I'm going to take advantage of it. Pop! I need some money for lunch today!

(The scene slowly fades out and then refocuses on a single carton of orange juice in the Tendo's kitchen.)

Announcer: It looks like someone had their Minute Maid today!

 

* * *

 

**Orkin (Tenchi Muyo!)**

(Ayeka is humming as she vacuums underneath the couch in Tenchi's living room. The vacuum bumps into something repeatedly and she turns it off to look under the couch.)

Ayeka: What's this? (She pulls out a plate with a half-eaten sanwhich on it. Then she noticed something else on it and screams.) ROACHES!

(Sasami, Ryoko, and Tenchi come running.)

Tenchi: What's wrong Ayeka?

Ayeka: (now over her startlement) Who put this under the couch? Look at it, now there's roaches all over the living room!

Ryoko: (blinking) Oh! That's where that went! (Everyone turns to look at her.) What?

Tenchi: Ryoko, what have we been telling you about taking your dishes into the kitchen. (He picks up the plate gingerly and goes toward the kitchen. Everyone follows.)

Ryoko: (in mock innocence) That I should do it?

(Everyone begans to shout at her at once and she began to explain herself to everyone. Washu's door opens and she pokes her head out.)

Washu: What is going on up here? I can't even get any work done!

Sasami: Little Washu, Ryoko left food in the living room and now we have roaches. (she frowned at the space pirate)

Washu: Is that all? I can clear this up right away! (She disappears into her lab for a minute and pops out with the oddest looking machine.) This is my brand new invention The Pest Eliminator!

(Washu's invention was belching steam and making a loud rumbling noise. Suddenly there was a loud sound, like a car backfiring, but that was all.)

Mihoshi: (Entering the room and rubbing her eyes. Still sleepy from her nap.) What's going on guys? Did something blow up again?

Tenchi: (dryly) No, but something's about to.

Washu: Don't say that! All of the roaches will be dead in five minutes. Count on it!

Tenchi: (sighing as he went to find the phone book) I'd rather not. (He found it behind a plant and took it to the kitchen. Sasami followed him to finish fixing dinner. As soon as he exited the room, the machine exploded leaving Washu, Ryoko, Mihoshi, and Ayeka a little charred. The living room was also destroyed.)

Announcer: You should have called the Orkin Man.

 

* * *

 

**Hawking and Starwind Enterprises (Outlaw Star)**

Gene: (smiling at the camera) My name is Gene Starwind.

Jim: (popping up in front of Gene) And I'm Jim Hawking!

Gene: And we are...

Gene and Jim: (at the same time) Starwind and Hawking Enterprises! Hawking and Starwind Enterprises! (they both look at each other and glare)

Jim: My name goes first. *I'm* the genius here!

Gene: Well I'm older. So *my* name goes first little boy!

(They both realize what they're doing and laugh nervously.)

Gene: (clearing his throat) Um anyway, no job is too big!

Jim: And no job is too small!

Gene: We'll take care of it quick!

Jim: (frowning as he said his line) Or don't take care of it at all?

Gene: We do exterminations, negotiations, catering, space ship traveling, bodyguard work.

Jim: Baby-sitting!

Gene: (frowning) That's your department. Anyway, we do it all. So call 1-800-Hawking!

Jim: Ladies! Did I forget to mention that Gene here will also escort you?

Gene: (smacking him lightly on the head) No, I won't.

Jim: Yes you will. It's on the flyers we handed out.

Gene: (confused) But I thought Aisha printed them up.... AISHA! (Gene ran off camera trying to find the Ctarl-Ctarl.)

Jim: (smiling at the camera once again and hope that their *live* television commercial would be taken seriously) So *please* call us. Okay?

 

* * *

 

**Bishounen Detector (Assorted Anime)**

Shayla-Shayla: (holding a microphone) Konichi-wa! My name's Shayla-Shayla and I'm a wonderful fire priestess from the planet of El Hazard. Today we will show all you girls out there a wonderful new product called the bishonen detecter. It's a small device (she holds up something the size of a briefcase) that beeps whenever you're close to a cute guy. Now, let's try a little test shall we?

(Several guys stand at attention in a line. Shayla-Shayla stops in front of the first one on the left and holds a small rod that attached to the bishounen detector by a long wire.)

Shayla-Shayla: First we have Gurio Umino (that's Melvin to the dub people). He loves science and is currenly involved with Naru Osaka (Molly). (She holds the rod above his head and nothing happens. Not even a single beep.) As you can see, the bishounen detector doesn't even respond. This boy is a complete nerd.

Gurio: (crying) Naru-chan doesn't think so!

Shayla-Shayla: (shrugging) To each her own. Anyway, next in line is Touya Kinomoto. He's Sakura Kinomoto's older brother and Yukito Tsukishiro's best-friend. (She holds the rod above Touya's head. It beeps slowly like a heart monitor.) The Detector rates this boy as moderately cute.

(Touya doesn't even say anything except stare at her. Shayla moves on to the next person in the line.)

Shayla-Shayla: Now on to Mousse! He's an Amazon boy from China and is currently chasing after Shampoo and rivaling Ranma Saotome for her affection.

Mousse: (pushing up his glasses) Shampoo! (he grabs Shayla in a rib crushing hug)

Shayla-Shayla: (getting pissed and using her the Lamp of Fire) Let me go now! (Then she smiled sweetly and held the rod over the charred boy's head. It makes a semi-rapid beep-beep-beep sound.) Without his glasses, Mousse is one cute bishounen. With his glasses (she pulls them back over his eyes) he looks like a bug. Almost as bad as Gurio.

Mousse: I resent that!

Shayla-Shayla: Now, for our final bishounen. This is Duo Maxwell. (Duo grins widely and does a little twirl to show himself off.) He's a Gundam Pilot and his gundam is Deathscythe. (She holds the rod above his head. The thing goes crazy, beeping all over the place. Then the beeping dies and smoke floats up from the device.)

Duo: (taking the microphone from Shayla's hand) You see that? Too much sexiness can hurt somebody!

Shayla-Shayla: (she snatches it back from him) While extremely hot, modesty is not his forté. Now ladies, are you convinced that our product works? I know it looks bad now, (she held up the still smoking Detector) but us here at Bishounen Corp. are going to improve it so that when the steal-you-breath-away guys come along, this won't happen. (her smile became strained as she turned around to the still lined up boys) Move it! Leave the set! (they all filed out one-by-one) Our motto here at Bishounen Corp. is "If you can't find a bishounen then you're not looking hard enough!"


End file.
